Tucson I

The drive to Tucson isn’t long. From where I was it would take little over an hour. The news stated the deaths happened this morning. Two deaths this time. He was working harder. In the next town over it would be three. What was he looking for? Why was he doing this? It wasn’t monetary. Our home was untouched when he came. He wasn’t some drugged out fiend although he looked it. If man can be evil then he was it. 

Pack it up devil you don’t have to try any harder. You got your man. 

And he is making it hard for the rest of us up here! 

I was already planning  in my head, I was going to find the detective for this case, I was going to tell them that these home invasions are connected, tell them exactly what happened to us. They had to be connected, and they would see it too if they were competent. I mean, what are the odds that it happens again in the next town over? They’ll take it seriously, I'll make them. 

Chewy could feel my tension. He stopped leaning up on the door. His nose was dripping snot down my passenger window. Rude. He tried crawling into my lap while I was turning onto the interstate. I pushed him back, I'm sure he thought he could do a better job driving this car but I knew his stumpy legs wouldn’t reach the pedals. The outlandish thought made me smile for a second. Almost like I had forgotten what I was doing. Where I was going. What I had lost.

The brain is a powerful thing. I had lost my soulmate only days ago. The love of my life. I had watched her die and not been able to do anything about it. Even a mind filled with hate, sadness, revenge. It jumps to better things. To assuage the pain. We weren’t made to be machines, cold and remorseless killers. Not everyone was like that, because evil does exist. I had seen it. It either grows in a loveless hellscape, or is at the jump when wires in your brain aren’t crossed right. 

Will I be different when I kill him?

Will it be easy? Can I do it? 

I felt the steel weapon in my waistband, adjusting it, it felt ungodly warm. 

He took everything from me. I can do the same. 

Besides, any pain won’t be there long. 

All of it will be gone. The good and the bad. Thank god. 

I wiped the tears filling in my eyes. I hadn’t even noticed Chewy was whining in my red faced delirium. I had driven almost 30 miles like this. A rage filled mediation, and my phone had been ringing the whole time I realized. It kept ringing more too. I thought about throwing it out the window. But I needed it. The screen lit up and vibrated in my center console. It made Chewy tilt his head in curious thought. I ignored all the calls. I knew what they were for.

So called friends trying to find me. Trying to get me to come home. To stop this odyssey of revenge. I couldn’t answer them, they were her friends mostly and I knew they blamed me. I knew they did. I could see it in their fake smiles and pats on the back. All whispering to their partners when they turned their backs.

“It’s his fault.” They would say, “He could have done something… If he was man enough.”

So I couldn’t face them. That was the main reason, the other is that I knew if I answered they might talk some sense into me. They might make me open that box. You have to be diligent if you’re a weak person. You have to hide your bad intentions from others, sure, but mostly from yourself. You have to steer yourself ahead of time to make sure you never end up in that place where vice is in view, or you’ll slip. Even if it’s answering a friendly call. 

I looked at the jewelry box through the rearview mirror. It sat flush against the back carriage door. It would sit there still. It wasn’t time yet. I turned off my phone and pushed it back into the center console. Paying attention to the road in front of me. Trying to forget what was behind me. Forget about it all, except for her.

Soon the highway fell to two lanes. Only a few cars were around me. All speeding and hauling as fast as they could. Like the asphalt was melting their tires. I passed by most of them. Pushing the outback to almost 100 miles per hour. I rubbed the steering wheel center.

“Get us there, please get us there.“

 Now there were no buildings around us, just flat lands. Bushes and cactus as far as the eye could see. Just the outline of mountains in the brown haze around us. Farther than the heat waves on the horizon allowed me to see. One mountain was close to the road. Its shadow almost masking the sun for a bit as we flashed through its valley. The tall reddish peaks tilted skyward. It looked like the head of a wolf, howling. As we passed by Chewy watched it shrink. He crawled into the backseat and looked out the window. And when he matched the size of the mountain's silhouette, he howled. Long and proud, so much it made my ears ring. I looked in the rearview surprised at how well he matched the visage, the shape of it outlining his own. Then he stopped and he looked ahead. His tongue lolling out and painting. Turning back into my little mischievous pup. Mischievous indeed. His eyes were too human, like he knew more than he should. 

And as I reflected on that I had found myself getting off the highway. Weaving my way into the city proper. Mystique still lingering on my mind. The heat here pressed everyone inside just as Phoenix did. It was like my car crawled over the corpse of some grounded behemoth. Like I was a carrion insect looking to roost. But I realized that the mountains sat close here in Tucson and when rain came I knew the flowers bloomed all through the desert. It wasn’t ugly because of that. It could be quite beautiful. It was ugly because people settled here and made it into a sprawl of empty shopping centers, potholed roads, and dirt field property that no one wanted to buy. It felt less than what it was before. People made this town worse, but that seems to be the underlying problem everywhere. 

~ 

I stopped at a coffee shop to watch the news. To pinpoint exactly where I should be heading. But an hour or two had passed and they had found new tragedies to dissect to keep old timers glued to their seats. So a library was the next stop, to use their computers. It was easy enough to get directions and soon I was there, waiting for a couple of homeless people to finish uploading their youtube videos of Walmart fights. Finally my time slot was up. I found the webclip on a news site posted only a couple minutes ago. It walked through what had happened. One Mr. Hodges, a Vietnam vet, had been wounded when two people broke into his home. 

Two people?

That was strange. 

Does he have help?

That makes things complicated. I wasn’t that great of a shot and only had six bullets. On a purely logistical basis I would have difficulty killing two people… Morally it was giving me hesitation too. My anxiety was flaring up just thinking about the situation.  

But then I read both burglars were shot and killed by this Mr. Hodges. 

Oh. 

I read it again and again, making sure it was correct. Both suspects wounded at the scene were taken to the hospital where they succumbed to their injuries. Dead.

I sat back on the surely bed bug riddled chair, scratching my head. Dead. He’s dead? But things didn’t make sense. Why were there two people? These guys didn’t sound like the professionals that the man with the feather in his hat was. I mean they got shot and killed in broad daylight. I had to find their identity. But names weren't released yet. And if they were I didn’t know if Tim’s name was actually… Tim. I needed to see him to know.

I cracked my fingers, my brain whirling above the speed I could keep track of everything. I found the street name from a slow pan of the houses. Oasis Lane huh? But they had blurred the house numbers. But they had shown me enough. It was a dead end street and after looking at satellite pictures of the road there were a couple places Oasis Lane turned into dirt, all on the fringes of town. Better cross reference the surroundings we saw in the video to the map above. I laughed to myself. Cross Referencing, is that the right word? I was trying to think about what they did on CSI, what a great show. My focus narrowed, like I was peeling over a puzzle and things were clicking into place. No wonder everyone and their cat has murder podcast nowadays. I scrolled to a dead end Oasis Lane that looked right. Again it was on the outskirts of Tucson, there's a hill to the west, a red mailbox out front, a dead end with three big X’s on it. It was the place. The street view matched perfectly. 

After that I found that the closest trauma center was 5.4 miles away. Some Banner hospital. I got the address, mapped it on the internet from where I was and printed out the driving instructions. I would be breaking into the morgue most likely but if not I could at least interview this Mr. Hodges, see what he saw. See if he killed the man with the feather in his hat. If so, I'd kiss him right then and there. Then maybe steal his painkillers to OD in the bathroom with.

Morbid. I know. But I cannot attest to you all how much I am only living for revenge. She’s gone. I am not the same. I didn’t want to be better. I want to be gone. I was frantic, crazed, with little to no sleep, and had nothing left of my life. I was going to kill myself, I kept telling myself that, again and again. To even have the will to do any of this. I’m sorry it makes you squeamish. If I was 80 and my wife passed away and I died in my sleep the next night because “I lost the will to live” people would smile and wipe tears from their eyes at how precious love was. But because I'm ahead of the curb you shy away. Fuck that. 

I had found my next clue. This time it wasn’t given to me on a silver platter. I had a lead and I would be getting into that hospital somehow, someway. It all only cost me five dollars to sign up for a library card. Now that I think about it. I’m sure most nefarious machinations are concocted at libraries. 

~

I had left Chewy at a motel 6 that allowed pets. It was 29 dollars a night, steep I know,  but I had to have him somewhere with AC while I went and did my espionage mission. The hospital was across the street and I walked over the four lane road to get there. By the time I had walked 100 steps my shirt was soaked through and my eyes burned from the sweat dripping into them. I squinted under the sunlight. It wouldn’t be dark until seven. Jesus Christ Arizona was truly the surface of the sun. By the time the cool air conditioning of the waiting room hit me I was practically melting. 

I saw the sad-sacks waiting around the baby blue painted room. A father and his two kids were waiting in chairs. An older man was coughing to himself, not covering his mouth, classic. A teenage girl with a bloody bandage on her ankle sat across from them, with what looked like her two parents. The girl was still in a pink ballerina uniform. I walked up to the attendant behind the faux marble front desk. 

She was wearing green scrubs and was clicking her pen against her cheek. She looked up at me. I slid the visitation sheet back and forth between both hands across the little counter top. I was flushed and dripping sweat off the tip of my nose. At least it helped conceal my nervousness. 

“I’m here to visit someone.” I muttered. 

“What was that?” She asked through the plexiglass. 

“Mr. Hodges. Is he here?” I asked.

She was already typing on her console. Looking through her database. She frowned. “I cannot confirm that sir. Policy... You understand right?” She looked me up and down. “What's your name?”

My brain emptied and I huffed. My plan was already shattered at my feet. “Mr. Hodges.” I stupidly said. 

“You are also a Hodge?” She questioned. She clicked her pen against her chin, unimpressed. “First name?”

I was frantically pouring through my brain for names other than my own. For some reason I believe I couldn't give her that. I was undercover after all. Think of any name. Any other name in the world. My mind was blank. Like a computer stuttering. My eyes flicked to her name tag. It said Alex. Don’t say that. Don't say your name is Alex. Don’t! 

“Alex,” I finally said. 

She followed my eyes to her name tag and back to me and sighed. “Your name is also Alex?” She asked. 

“Yes.” I nodded and swallowed, but my throat was dry. 

“I don’t have any next of kin for any Mr. Hodges. Sorry. Can I see some ID? Maybe I can help get you where you need to be going.” 

“I don’t have any.” I replied. 

“Well I don’t know how to help you then sir.” She blinked up at me. “Do you have any proof on your phone? Something? Anything?”

“I don’t have that either.” I smiled sheepishly, which must have looked ugly as all hell because she almost flinched, her lips set into a frown. “Are you feeling okay?”

“No, No… I… I need to see Mr. Hodges. I ain’t blood, okay? He raised me and I took his last name later in life. That makes sense, right?” 

Does it? I continued, digging in deeper. “The neighbors called me and they said he was hurt! I need to see him. He’s like my father.” 

Pretty good. She still clicked her pen unimpressed, her eye trailed to her right as she glanced at the security guard. The big bald latino man stepped closer. 

“I ran out the house trying to get here. I am not doing well, okay!? I need to see him and I'm sorry if I'm making a scene.” The whole waiting room had turned to me as well. “ I didn’t grab anything from my place. But I know he’s here. This is where they would have taken him!” 

She was trying to calm me down. “Alright, sir. Alright.” She leaned in. “I need an ID. So you have to go back and get some and we have to run that up to his floor.” She whispered. “He’s out of the emergency room and in the ICU. Visitors are really restricted. He’s stable though. Go home, relax, shower drink some electrolytes or something and come back with what we need and we’ll see if we can get you in before visiting hours are up.” She smiled and waved the security guard closer. 

He touched me on the shoulder. “Let’s sit you down sir.” He said. 

I huffed over to the plastic chairs and sat, it groaned under my weight. He kindly got me a little cup of water. I sat stewing in my stupidity. The others around whispered and stared at me. 

I’m fucked. 

And really not good at this. 

Maybe I should just go to the police department now. 

I stood up and watched as some others trailed into the emergency room entrance. The doors slowly slid open as the AC kicked in to blow on them. The right door was slow and broken down. The woman helping her limping husband (who wore nothing but overalls) almost trucked into the glass door. 

What's the best way to get into a hospital? To get admitted of course. 

I nodded at the security guard and thanked him. I watched the glass doors seal off the entrance again. “I’m out of here,” I said loudly. “I’ll be back!” I sprinted towards the door trying not to give away the fact that I was preparing for my head to smack against the slowly shuffling door frame. But one of my sandals snapped and twisted my leg. My knee popped as I planted my leg funnily and it scooted out now that the sandal was crumpled up under my foot. The motion almost tore my groin as I swerved into an awkward split, then I twisted back and my head found the tiled floor, smacking against it in a most unappealing way. I would have much preferred a bonk against glass. But beggars can’t be choosers. 

The lobby screamed and swelled in shock as I laid there, I saw fluttered images of the nurse and the security guard over me. 

Her hair is the exact same color... I thought as I tried to get up and was pushed back down by what felt like vice-like hands. Shouts echoed away from me as I rolled back and forth, trying to find what was up and what was down. 

~

I was on the edge of a great canyon. Walking along the rim. Below was a stream of sorts. A river so far below but I knew it was not water that flowed there. It was souls. I teetered over the edge. The landscape around was ruined. So dried and dead I thought it would make more sense to jump and take my luck with the fall. For I knew I was dreaming. Maybe I'd float down there and coast along it like tubing the Salt River. I mean up here was no shade. There weren’t even trees. 

It was an odd place to be. I tried to remember just where I had been. Surely it was a better place than this? But my recollection swirled around me and I lost it as I almost lost  my footing. Plume of dust carried out under my toes and dusted over the edge. Falling gently with the wind. 

A voice spoke out. Hers of course. You think just because she’s dead you wouldn’t meet her? That doesn’t seem fair. It’s a story about her after all.

“Hey honey bunches,” She said.

I turned around but she was not there. It was hard to believe.

“Where are you sweetie?” I got on my hands and knees and looked over the edge. Scanning the valley far below. No luck. I looked up into the white skies expecting my angel there. Even worse luck. Nothing. I checked the blasted desert around me. And found only sand. This was an empty space. A space that exists at the end of things. When there's nothing of interest to prop up on the horizon anymore. Just the leftover stock image. How fitting I am here now.

“Okay babes, I can hear you but I can’t see you,” I shouted out, standing up.

She laughed. My god, her laugh. A soft sensual chuckle. I could imagine the way her nose pinched as she did it. I could see it so clear I could almost touch it. I saw the increasing lines around her mouth. How I fell in love with each one as they appeared over the years. Her laugh could never be weathered. It filled me with hope. When I could make her giggle like that and roll her eyes, I felt I'd live a thousand years riding that high. My pathetic self had accomplished something. I had brought joy to one who deserved it most. 

Why oh why are you not here? 

I’d give a thousand years of me for one more day of you.

“That’s fine,” She said. Her voice filled my head. “We saw each other enough in our days,”

I shook my head and I stumbled almost falling again. “Uh, I beg to differ!”

“What did I always say?” And I could tell she was smirking when she said it. I knew the tone.

We both spoke at the same time. 

“It’s not about the length of a thing, it’s about its charm.” She laughed again and I felt I could step unto each deep reverberation in the air. Use it like stairs to climb and reach her. But instead I fell down, I couldn’t get my balance here. I was staring down this valley, one arm off the edge the other gripping back at the floor, digging into that red rock covered in sandy silt. She laughed some more and it made me too. Dirt still in my face. She continued. 

“And don’t say what you always said.” She laughed. 

I thought the words instead. The crude joke about her talking about my pecker. 

Her voice rang out again. “What did I say?”

“What?” I replied, dusting myself off. “I thought it, I didn’t say it!” I looked around, still no sign of her. Just this empty landscape. “What did you wanna talk about?” I felt nervous all of the sudden.

“I just wanted to check in.” She replied

“Hmm. You didn’t want to, you know, talk about my revenge mission?”

“Why would I, honey? You know I think it’s wrong. I just wanted to catch up. But I have a feeling… Well when you get this way I know you want to talk about something. Just waiting for me to bring it up.”

I smiled. That used to annoy me, but now I miss it. She read me like a book. Even dead and gone she could still tell. Maybe she isn’t really gone? 

“Is it bad I want revenge? Is it bad that I want to stop this man?”

She sighed. When she sighed a gust of wind rippled through my clothes. I was pressed towards the valley below, slipping and sliding. Why was I struggling? Why not just jump? On her breath I rocked back and forth as my hair whipped over my head, buffeted by the wind. “It’s not about that? Is it?” She said now louder. “It’s not about him. It’s about getting to where you feel good about ending it. You are making this an excuse.”

I slipped and fell. I tumbled over and over again. My head was getting dizzy from the rotations. I plummeted not down but up. Falling up into the whiteness. Either falling away from her or towards her I did not know. But I was so ashamed of myself I didn’t know which one I wanted in this madness. 

She couldn’t understand. She was gone and I was left, like the crumbs on a plate. I had to kill him. I had too. I needed something physical, something to hold and squeeze. To put all my hate into and kill it. Watch the pain close out of his eyes. I couldn’t understand why and neither did she. I couldn’t leave this life without meeting him, without asking why? 

I’m sure she could grieve in a much healthier manner. Maybe it's the testosterone? Who knows? 

I questioned this as I fell up into the sky.