Grand Canyon 

I had some loose recollection of entering the park. But after that I knew we had taken the road less traveled. We careened away from the tourist areas and entered far into the plateau. So far away from the actual canyon I couldn’t see it. I took the car over dirt paths where fallen logs had been cut away. We were scraping the undercarriage on stones that were peeking out of the dirt. My car was choking. The bumpy road was destroying the suspension making everything rattle around more than it should. But we were getting close. I could feel it. 

Chewy was finishing up some of his kibble before he propped up on the center console. “Do you know where you're going? If we get stuck out here we are walking back. We don’t have a phone, remember?”

“There’s no power lines out here? Are there?” I said ecstatically, my cold dead gaze coming back to the world around me. 

He curled his face up at me confused. “You keep talking about that. What are you on about?”

He won't understand. This is where I need to go. 

Away from their buzzing. This is where I was supposed to go the whole time.

“Is this about Tim? I thought we might be going home.” He asked.

“Of course it is! It’s always about him. He thinks he’s so goddamned important. But in actuality who cares?!”

I fiddled with the leather bound charm around my neck. Feeling its weight heavier than ever.

The car rattled after coming down a steep drop. The wheels caught ground all at different times. The motion rocked us back and forth like we were out at sea. Then something snapped and I saw the bumper fall free and get tugged under the front tires. Twisting up like a joker's smile. Something hissed at me and white smoke started pouring free from under the hood.

“Fuck.” Chewy said.

“It’s okay.” I patted the wheel of the car. “You got us this far. I’ll take it from here. Thank you.” The car groaned before I pulled the ignition free. Then it just hissed. Like a sick animal joining the other birds and wildlife circling. They were always circling. 

“What are we going to do now?” Chewy asked. 

“We keep going.” I said as I got out and went to the trunk.

“You mean we go back and try and find a real paved road?” He asked trotting behind me and nipping at my heels.

“We’ve come too far, Chewy. Just a little farther. You don’t have to come. Stay with the car. Someone will find you. Care for you.” I reached into the trunk and pulled out the box from unde my dirty clothes. It was the big jewelry box I dreaded so. 

“Oh,” Chewy said as he saw me pull it free. He whined. “I don’t like the way you’re talking.” 

“Come then. There's more to see.” I held it like a newborn and started walking down the dirt road. And when I knew it was time I left the road. Heading to the rim of the canyon. I knew it was out in front of me. Chewy clung to my heels as we bushwhacked it. But to me it felt like the trees had pulled back. The dirt had stretched out a carpet under my heels. 

~

Time was odd here. Before I knew it we were overlooking the Grand Canyon. Well it was a side canyon really. An offshoot that I wasn’t sure was even in the main park area. But it would do. It had the red walls and the gray slate beneath that layer. The smattering of different millenia of rocks. Like a surgeon had taken a scalpel to mother earth. A beautiful C-section scar was left. And the browns and greens of foliage clung to it. And far below that dark blue of the river. 

I imagined the people living here once. Native Americans crawling along goat trails up the walls. Hiding, growing, living. I saw the people that would come here too. The thousands of tourists that would come here in the future, clogging it up and rafting the river below.

I knew people died here. Would die here. I saw them all, their spirits pulled down with the river, down along the walls and ferried away. Until I was so far in the future that no more people came. And it was beautiful too in a way. It grew and breathed with the land and new people came. And they looked at me and asked me stories to tell. But I didn’t have any to tell. I never did. My story was never even my own. It was like my life. 

Always about her.

I gripped the box harder. I wiped down a wide square rock twenty feet from the edge of the canyon. Then I placed the box down and opened it. The cracking of a broken barrier sounded and Chewy whined more. Clawing at my kneeling pant leg. I ignored him. I would ignore him more as he sounded off his concerns. He would settle down soon. 

Enjoy the view. 

The first thing I laid eyes on was a tarot card. Was I the one to put it in here? No, of course I wasn’t. It was always here. It held the label, The Wheel. 

~

Black volcanic fields under a blood red sky with clouds framing the border. Centered was the golden wheel. Spokes that darted out in intricate clockwork ways. Delicate but strong. Like machinery behind the sun. Along the edge of the wheel letters in ebony inscription spelled out TARO. with other symbols that meant the same but was crafted in latin. But a hand was clutched on a rung. A red demonic visage peeked from under the turning wheel. Its fangs smiled and dripped. It was being pulled up to the heavens by the wheel’s gears. Would it corrupt it? Or was it… Was it being smashed under the tumbling thunder of the unstoppable wheel? 

In the clouds above twisted angels watched. And in between them their messiah was a sphinx. Broad head and lion's body, it looked upon the scene with apathy. Its face is still as stone. No fear that the devil would be pulled free and come to slay it on its level. No thing could survive the upheaval, the duress that it was caught in. But of course it does. The devil never dies. 

~

I took the card and pulled it forward. It caught the edge of the plastic table and fluttered to the ground. Half dipped into the puddle of piss that was at my feet.

The Madame rolled her eyes as I tried to pick the card back up but only managed to bounce my head off the table.  

“The wheel is fortune and misfortune. The wheel is enlightenment. The wheel is life and death and life again. It is a journey and the destination. A religion and its antithesis. One that not many ever see wholly and clearly. If you do, you can become like the sphinx before you.” She paused leaning forward again. “You are on a journey. Simply put, my child. I know you see things, you feel things. To see with eyes unclouded. To feel with pain on the highest level. Can you abide this, or does the size of it all shrink you?”

“I.. I.. Can’t.” I stuttered.

“You won’t.” Her face was flat and disappointed, the charms around her neck still and stale. Not alive anymore with her movements when she talked. She stared at me.

“I won’t,” I finally said.

“That is fine. But you always have a choice. The wheel always turns. Its cogs harken pain and love to us. But it is always the same. And when you see the wheel true. When you see it like how I laid it before you… The wheel is unbroken. And thus you are unbroken as well.”

~

“Little pieces.” I said to Chewy. I spoke softly as I pulled the card free and placed it on the rock surface. “We are all like little pieces. Like the pieces in this box.” I picked up the feather that was in here among various things. I remember how she wore it in her hat sometimes. Or tickled my nose with it. A black feather like her hair. I lifted it to the sky and let it free. Next was little orange bottles of pills. For her and for me. 

We made sure to keep them separate so we didn’t confuse one for the other. I knew I could OD on her seizure meds. I stared hard and long at each of them. 

One for me.

One for her.

This was the plan, remember? 

It was always where I would meet him… Where the power lines end. 

But… Can you change your fate? Or are we just acted on time and time again? 

More importantly than the answer to that is this… 

Does believing you can, make it so? 

I popped open the cap and counted out the number that would do the trick. I swallowed the handful. 

“Were those the right ones?” Chewy asked.

I shrugged. “Give me some space, will you?” 

With downcast eyes he slunk away.

I ran my hands over the next box. Boxes inside boxes. Doors inside doors within doors.

This was the same and it was the box of her ashes. Wrapped in her favorite silk scarf. I breathed it in one last time, to taste her touch. It still smelled like her lilac perfume, her last gift to me. For the moment her hand was on my shoulder. Telling me it would be alright. She wasn’t mad at me. She knew whatever I did I was at peace. 

I opened the box within the box and found her ashes packed away in a plastic baggie. So cold. So dead for a woman who filled a room with laughter. And who was always wrapped in wool and colorful socks because she was always cold. And now she would always be cold. And always warm. And always nothing. And always everything. 

If people were just matter caught in moving moments, she would stretch and reverberate off the empty space all around us. She would be a star so bright the sun would be dim in comparison. If every memory I held dear of her could sit in a drop of water then my being would be swept away in torrential rain. I could die satisfied, lungs filled with laughter. To die by being smelted down like an ounce of silver would be the way to go.

She was all these things. Burning my soul, searing me with brightness I couldn't describe. 

I understand now. 

She was also the ashes in my hands. Dust under my fingernails. Compacted into a plastic bag. A person. My person. In a plastic bag.  

I stood up and walked to the edge. Chewy was away looking at the horizon. My next step was my own to take, he knew. I walked the edge of this painted canyon and held her close one last time. Breathing in the cold air, the bastard breeze that kept telling me I was alive. With the wind I let her tumble out. Swirls and wisps of her rode on its wings as she faded down the valley. It took her and curled her lazily like how her hair curled along her shoulder. And now I knew she was never really gone. Now she was in every moment I shared with the world and after I die we would still have our mark. If it wasn’t just us calling our names on the wind like all dead do.

You can hear them if you listen.

And I knew she was gone and dead. That I would never see her again. If the tears were not coming now it was only because I knew I would be joining her soon. I reached up to my charm and pulled it free. Letting it drop off the cliffside. I watched it fall until it hit a ledge and bounced and skidded down the embankment and tumbled free more. 

“Speak of the devil and he doth appear.” I heard a voice say wryly behind me.

~

“I am not used to being summoned like some paltry magician but something tells me this is important.” He giggled a devious laugh while he dragged his feet around, stepping over a bush and gliding to the edge near me like some ballerina. He was wearing some long coated tuxedo like the old black and white movie stars do. With a full top hat and a cane. 

“Do you remember all the people you kill?” I asked. 

“Hmmm.” He thought for a second, taking the cane and scratching his head. His hat bobbed up and down like a cartoon character.

“Most certainly not.” I answered for him, raising my chin and taking a deep breath. “You killed my wife. Who I loved. And adored. Maybe too much. If that’s wrong then damn the blasted world, I spit on it!” I said through clenched teeth, trying to contain my sorrow through the madness and the tears.  

He smiled his pale grin. “I’ve killed many people. It's in my line of work. But I birth so much more from each and everyone I pluck. But I assume… You can’t abide by that.” He sighed, “Your ilk never can.” He said and took a step out over the canyon. I almost wanted to reach out to stop him, instinctively to pull him back. But his foot found purchase in the air and he stepped forward. Like he was walking up a staircase I could not see. He walked up across the sky and was soon looking down on me. He was above the canyon with cotton ball clouds above him and wind whipped his coat tail behind him. He smiled and bowed. 

“Let me introduce myself properly.” He said. “I am..”

I held out my hand. “No,” I interrupted, taking a deep breath and letting the tension free from my shoulders. “I know who you are. We’ve already met. Many times. But I get it now. Time works differently for the both of us. That means we might never understand each other, that’s okay.”

“Oh,” He said, slightly confused. “So are you ready? I have many appointments.”

I shrugged.  

“Well if you have nothing else to say then maybe you should be going.” He looked at the valley below him. “We should be going. Come on, I have a tight schedule.” He looked at his pocket watch before putting it away. 

“You seem lonely.” I said. 

He stopped in his tracks.

I continued. “You don’t really have anyone. Well maybe not anyone... But anything to, you know, talk to.” I shrugged again.

“Excuse me?”

“I think that’s where that hint of disdain comes from right? You have to believe you are doing the right thing. It’s your job. You need to enjoy it at least a little bit.” His raised eyebrow questioned me under the brim of his hat. “But all my interactions with you. They leave me feeling sorry for you. I tried to make you something you are not. I tried so hard. I imagined you were vile, hateful. But I don't think you are. I think you hardly know what you’re doing. That’s the great joke right? No one really knows what they’re doing. I know I'm not supposed to feel sorry for such an entity like yourself. But I do. And I don't think you are a monster at all. Just a lonely guy. Picking and preening until you are even more lonely. I get you need to do it. I get you have to. But… I’m sorry. I'm sorry you do. I’m sorry we don’t understand and I'm so sorry you don’t understand either.”

His brow stayed furrowed. And he tapped his fingers at the head of his cane. A pillar in the air. Unmoved by the shifting winds, untouched by such earthly things.

“I’m right here.” I continued. “I’m beaten down and hurt and mad. I’m a mess. And I don't have any protection against you anymore. I’m angry, sad, depressed, and still can't believe you took her away from me. And I don't know if I’ll ever forgive myself for my own failings. How I couldn’t be there for her. But I'm accepting that all. That it's all in the rotation. My feelings will turn each day, by a little or alot.” I pointed at him. 

 “You can’t really take her away from me! You can’t ever rid someone from our world no matter how hard you try. You told me that, but I didn’t listen. We had so much together. There's just too much of us. We are too interwoven. You close one door and there's others that open. Even in a big world like this!” My voice echoed as I splayed my arms out. “So here I am. I’m ready. You’ve been chasing me this whole time. Toying with me, I’m here now and I'm not running and I'm not chasing. I’m done. I’m just me.”

His shoulders sagged slightly. His grin faded as he took a deep breath and turned away. He watched some crows circle on the horizon. And we shared a silence only a vista like this had. Before he said over his shoulder. “Even if you didn’t fall, you wouldn't have saved her.” He muttered.

“I know.” I replied with tears streaking down my face, collecting on my smiling lip. The wind cooled them immediately. “I know, but god do I wish I was there.”

“It doesn’t matter.” He said. “Even if you were there.” Then quieter. “They all withdraw, you know? In their heads.” He tapped his temple with his cane. “Everything always dies alone.”

“That’s not true.” I grimaced, wiping my face again. “You’re there with them.” 

He bowed his head sullenly. “I haven’t felt for the living in sometime. Maybe I have forgotten some things in my old age. All travelers repay their debts.” He looked at his hands.

“I’m coming out there. And you do whatever you have to do.” I said.

“Wait no, you’ll…” He started to say but I had already taken a step. With one foot over the drop I simply forgot that I had to fall at all. A simple trick. The trick to flying all along. 

I’ll tell her that when we next meet.

I felt purchase under my feet. I was buoyant like a boat. I placed my other foot out and only wobbled slightly. Then I was walking up towards him. The man in the fancy pompadour suit. A bird flew out from under me, out of its nest that was settled in the canyon wall. The whipping wind around me grew louder around my head. Soon I was face to face with him. Up close his features weren’t as angular and hard. And his sallow cheeks were more flushed, lively. He almost looked normal.

I reached out my hand. 

He looked at it. Studying it. Then finally with his icy and warm hand he took it. 

~

When I heard the first musical notes I knew it did indeed come from the land around us. But it was not the critters singing lovely songs. This was no fairy tale. It was a sad mournful march from the rock and dead trees, from dust and bones buried under. An adagio for entropy. It pricked my skin. As birds flew closer around us they added their own notes. It was not of joy. It was grief for the pain that they too had felt in their short lives. The winds rocked the trees and cacti; they did not bust into serendipity. They cried for their saplings they would never see. With our song ringing in around us. I took him in my arms and we danced.

We danced across the horizon. Letting the sun's setting rays make boardwalks for us. Letting the clouds above, cascaded now in different purple and red light, pull at our limbs like marionette dolls. The wind guided us. It told me of every move to make. I listened to the voices of the dead, how they sang for me their story, how they gave me strength under my steps. This was for them, a dedication. It was my wedding dance and my dance with death. My serenade to the reaper. I did not falter nor make a misstep. For I had practiced this dance my entire life. We were of the world, and the veil beyond, we were of the tarot cards, and charms worn around a neckline, of time and space, and notes that only subconsciously one hears. Most of all, electricity. We danced to all things living. We danced for the coming of the end. 

The music swelled around us as we turned and held each other across a wonder of the world. I felt comfort in his arms and he felt the same in mine. We smiled and performed, stifling a laugh at the absurdity of it all. Until the music dropped away and finished and our feet slowed down. The world was returning to its proper place. I was returning to the earth. 

His hand lingered on my own before discarding it. If he was embarrassed or otherwise I did not know. But I saw how he had smiled. That was enough. 

“Are you ready?” He asked.

“I am.” I looked around once more, taking it all in. “Will it hurt?” 

He sighed and nodded. “Just a little,” He replied and placed a hand on my shoulder. I squeezed my eyes tight. His hand grew colder and colder and I felt myself smile and laugh one last time. 

It’s all so funny. I thought. 

In that second I knew. I didn’t want to die at all.

~

My eyes opened staring at the setting sun falling atop the Grand Canyon. It had almost fallen behind it. But not quite yet. A strong chill gusted past me and I realized my ass was good and numb. I was sitting on a cold rock cliff face after all. With my feet dangling off the side. Upon looking down my heart jumped as I saw the plummet was hundreds of feet to a sloping death. 

“Oh shit,” I pulled myself back and flipped to my stomach but rolling dirt was under me and in my motion it rolled me closer to the edge. I let out a soft little yelp and braced for anything. I grabbed at a bush that ripped free immediately as I slid back past my waist. I dug at the grainy gravel but I only scraped against the smooth stone under it. I felt my fingernails bend back and crack and bleed in my thrashing.

I slipped further, catching myself with locked out arms. I tried to swing a leg up. Desperate, to  get one up to the lip of the edge. But my flexibility was worse than my strength. I felt my hip grow tight as my arms started shaking. 

Chewy bolted forward. He was a flash of steel blue. He growled and grabbed me by the shirt. His teeth scratched my shoulder as I panicked and hollered, I didn’t care about the pain. I saw his paws splayed out and slipping on the gravel surface. He dug down and lowered himself, growling and fighting with me. It gave me a better grip and renewed strength. He leaned me forward enough to allow myself to crawl forward somewhat. My elbows kicked forward as I crawled away from the cliff. 

I flipped over. He laid on top of me as I stared at the pink sky. “Thank you,” I said over and over again. He licked my face and wagged his tail. I caught my breath and scooted further away. Stumbling back with him.

“Did you see all that?” I asked him.

He just wagged his tail at me and brought me a stick to throw. 

“What? You aren’t talking now?” I asked. 

He just looked back down to the stick telling me to throw it with his eyes. And only his eyes. 

“Hmm.” I said and relented. Throwing the stick away from the cliff and sitting on a fallen tree. It would be a long way back to the car and even more difficult after that. 

If we even wanted to go back.